{getting to know me}

[latvia]

I'm stealing this idea from atreriaestus! Even though we're mutual friends on livejournal I sometimes feel as though I don't know you all as well as I would like too, and I think that some of you may feel the same about me? So this is why this entry is here! I'm allowing anyone to ask any question they like in this entry, be it about my past, my childhood, my present, my future, my dreams; anything.

If you want to know something about me, go ahead! If a random question pops into your mind - please, ask it! I want to get to know you all as well as I can, and I feel that this is a good first step! I will answer any and all questions with complete and utter honesty.

Ask away!

anon is on, if you want to ask a question but want to hide yourself. I don't mind!

Comments

[erogenous.livejournal.com]

Sorry if this seems a little block/emotional/etc. Obviously it's a sensitive subject for me.

My sister, Alexandra Natasha Walsh, was born on the 30th of August, 1998. She was born months premature and my mother had to have a Caesarean section in order to get Alexandra born safely and as well as possible. She was beautiful, though really tiny, and I can remember looking at her eyes and getting really lost in them - like, really. She was put straight into the ICU and hooked up to a breathing machine, however. She was so ill she could barely breath by herself, and I can remember seeing how upset my mother was.

I found this to be particularly heart wrenching to myself because my birthday is the 31st of august. I felt so bad sitting in the hospital with my family, blowing out candles and laughing while she was locked up in a cot, unable to breathe on her own. I was only seven at the time, but I still felt overwhelmingly guilty. I didn't understand what was wrong with her, but I knew she was very sick, and when I first met her, I cried as she lay there, sleeping, and knew I would give up everything to see her healthy.

She was left in the ICU for three weeks, with regular visits from us all. The first time my mom truly held her, she burst into tears, the tiny bundle in her arms having tubing connected to her. A baby can't, of course, show emotions, but if you had looked, you would have been able to see that she didn't understand why it hurt. When I was with my mother, and was able to sit there, stroking her hair and touching her soft skin, I felt the sisterly love I had felt once before when my other sister was born. It was a wonderful feeling.

She only lived for three weeks. On the last day of the third week, my mother and father were faced with a choice. They could let her live, live a life filled with tubes and oxygen machines and special aid, or they could let her go to a better place, where she would be happy, without problems or pain. Given the choice, they chose to let her go, to save her from a life of this pain.

Now, seven years later, every August the 30th and 31st, I feel this horrible guilt, a terrible pain inside, that makes me want to burrow in a hole and never come back out. I would gladly give me life so that she could have lived hers healthy and happy, but it was not meant to be. I think about her a lot, actually, and I wonder what she would be feeling feeling, what her voice would have been like, how beautiful her smile could have been and wonder that if she was alive now, would she love me as much as I love her? Does she know that the place where her ashes are scattered is one of my favourite places to be? Does she know that every time I think about her, I wish that she was here with me, able to let me hold her and love her like a sister should?

And then, when I think these things, I cry, and I just can't stop. But that's good. It shows that I still love her, and no matter what, she will always be in my heart.

[xtiggzie.livejournal.com]

That's a really touching story.
O-oh god I'm sorry for your loss.
It must've been extremely tough for you and going through that at such a young age.
I wish your sister could've grown up with you! But atleast she's in a better place~!
I'm glad you shared that with me ♥

[erogenous.livejournal.com]

It's alright, really. I've had nine years or so to get to grips with it all and I'm able to deal with the pain now. Thank you so much for your words, though! I'm always open to sharing anything, so please feel free to ask ♥